Stuff White People Like

Though many white people consider competitive sports to be too aggressive and macho for their tastes there are a few exceptions. The most notable is Soccer since for some reason it is wrong to get fired up about Football game, but right to get fired up about a Football match. The second sport (term used loosely) in this category is called Ultimate Frisbee or simply Ultimate.

It is important to know that when you hear a white person saying “we should do some ultimate this weekend” or “I’m so pumped for ultimate,” they are talking about a sport and not an “ultimate solution”-type race war. Though a quick look at a field full of Ultimate Frisbee players might lead one to surmise that an ethnic cleansing has taken place.

When you first see the sport being played, you will be struck at how amazingly boring it is. Imagine a field of white people running around throwing a frisbee trying to catch it in an “endzone.” Sometimes one person ‘guards’ another (pictured) and that’s the whole game. There is nothing more to explain.

If you look a little closer, you will see some surprising things. First, you will never see hippies get more upset than on an Ultimate Frisbee field. It can be jarring to see people who look like they should be playing acoustic guitars yelling at each other about whether or not Blake stepped out of bounds. Secondly, you will notice that Ultimate Frisbee matches are the best place to meet white guys who wear headbands.

Fortunately, ultimate frisbee offers a lot of opportunities for personal, professional and financial gain. Since the sport has yet to be integrated, you could command a high fee in terms of money or favors if you agree to join one of the many white leagues in your area. To a white person, having a diverse Ultimate team is almost as good as winning the championship. Almost.

In addition, white people have also created a sport called Frisbee Golf. In this game, you see how many throws it takes to get a disc into a receptacle. There is no other pertinent information about this sport, and it’s only real value is as a cheap date for white people who like to be outside.

In any case, if a white person talks to you a sport that you’ve never heard of, do not be afraid to ask some questions. This is because, on average, white people invent a new sport every six weeks. Hacky Sack, Sky Surfing, and group juggling are just a few of the games invented to help white people maximize their time at parks and beaches.